Inept Bladder

In September I had to report the discovery of a malady afflicting certain footballers known as Translationitis. It is now my sad duty to relate that a further illness has been diagnosed. This particular illness seems to target those in the upper echelons of football administration and the most tragic victim is none other than the FIFA president Sepp Blatter. The disease is commonly known as Vox Incontinence and the most obvious symptom is an inability to speak without causing offence to any rational human being.

Blatter has suffered VI for many years and the tell tales signs have been there for those who had ears to hear. Here are a few examples of Blatter’s illness:

"Let the women play in more feminine clothes like they do in volleyball. Female players are pretty, if you excuse me for saying so, and they already have some different rules to men – such as playing with a lighter ball. That decision was taken to create a more female aesthetic, so why not do it in fashion?" 2004 on women’s football.

"I think in football there's too much modern slavery in transferring players or buying players here and there, and putting them somewhere." 2008 on multi millionaire Cristiano Ronaldo wanting to leave Man Utd.

"There are gay footballers, but they don't declare it because it will not be accepted in these macho organisations. But look at women's football – homosexuality is more popular there." When Qatar was awarded the 2022 World Cup Blatter declared that gay fans attending the tournament should "refrain from any sexual activities". Homosexuality is illegal in Qatar.

"There are no rotten eggs. There is no systematic corruption in Fifa. That is nonsense. We are financially clean and clear." 2010. In 2011 a FIFA vice-president and a presidential candidate left the organisation following accusations of bribery.

Now Blatter has hit the headlines again with his utterances about racism in football. Not once but twice in interviews this week Blatter claimed that racism was not a problem in football.

"I would deny it. There is no racism, there is maybe one of the players towards another, he has a word or a gesture which is not the correct one, but also the one who is affected by that. He should say that this is a game. We are in a game, and at the end of the game, we shake hands, and this can happen, because we have worked so hard against racism and discrimination." CNN

"During a match you may say something to someone who's not looking exactly like you, but at end of match it's forgotten." Al Jazeera

To begin with Blatter attempted to deploy a version of the Translationitis defence claiming he had been misunderstood but that line didn’t hold up. Blatter also tried to tackle head on some of his more vociferous critics, including Rio Ferdinand via Twitter, and issued a photograph of himself with Tokyo Sexwale the South African anti-apartheid campaigner and politician. However, today the FIFA president has issued a statement acknowledging the ill advised nature of his comments:

"My personal position against racism is very clear and has been very strong for many years. I am sorry and I regret that my statements earlier this week have contributed to an unfortunate situation."

I don’t wish to be cynical, but I wonder whether Blatter’s regret is related to the heat being turned up on FIFA by some of its corporate partners and sponsors anxious to avoid association with a man who treats racism so glibly. In Blatter’s case I fear that Vox Incontinence may be incurable; only time will tell.