The injury ravaged club is experiencing a crisis as their depleted squad enters the most important part of the season. And so, in the spirit of selfless service and following the example of Paul (he scores goals) Scholes and Thierry (why use your foot when you can use your hand) Henry, I am delighted to announce that I am coming out of retirement. I will be offering my services to my old club Highwood Badgers and though my legs have gone and I can’t see without glasses I expect to play a holding (the opponent) midfield role. My range of Sat Nav passes remains undiminished as I spread the ball around the back garden and unerringly hit every mound of dog mess; my finishing remains deadly from two inches out with the goal keeper unconscious and I can just about squeeze into an extra large old nylon replica shirt.
On second thoughts, why settle for second best? I think I’ll stand for the office of Prime Minister and follow in the high kicking footsteps of the legend that is Eric (Le Roi) Cantona.