Monday, 9 September 2013


I had the privilege of baptising a wonderfully active little lad in church yesterday morning. He had those shoes with the lights in the soles that flicker when you walk and he did a brilliant job of demonstrating them during the service. When it came to the actual baptism this little boy proved to be something of a moving target, however, I managed to connect water to forehead at some point during the rite so can confidently declare that he has been baptised. It was great fun and it got me thinking about what alternative strategies one might employ with non-compliant baptism candidates and here are a few suggestions.
  1. A water pistol or for the really uncooperative a large pump action super soaker. My weapon of choice would be the NERF Super Soaker Xtreme Switch Shot Water Gun Banana Ammo Clip Tank Blaster.
  2. Organise a game of head tennis with a water balloon.
  3. Wait until it’s raining.
  4. Arrange an outing to the local water park.
  5. Include a game of bobbing for apples in the sermon.
  6. Make an arrangement with the local hair dresser and offer a two for one haircut and baptism.
  7. Tell the candidate that the one thing they must never do in church is go near the font.
Other suggestions which comply with our church health and safety policy, have undergone an activity hazard assessment and conform to the good taste commensurate with the solemn sacrament of holy baptism (or as the C of E website likes to call it ‘Christening’) gratefully received.


Richard Gillin said...

We once found a water pistol left behind in the Cathedral after a service in which the Bishop used his aspergillum. We assumed it was for a congregant to get his/her own back.

Peter Kirk said...

I'm not sure if this idea meets all the policies, but it does have episcopal approval - I heard it suggested by the then Bishop of Manchester in the 1970s: Baptise with a hosepipe!