Lost in translation

There have been many benefits from the influx of top class foreign footballers to this country but many of them have had to pay a high price. Hard to believe given their salaries which rival the GDP of medium sized nation states but nevertheless true. These great artists of the beautiful game have been infected with a terrible disease known as Translationitis. The disease strikes while the player is experiencing a loss in form or the onset of restless feet (a desire for a transfer).

The illness presents by way of an interview given by the player in their first language to the media from their mother country. Mysteriously when the interview is republished in English it turns out they have said something disparaging about their club's owners, or manager, or fellow players and occasionally the fans. When their club pick up on the interview and what has been reported the player is hauled in to explain their comments. It is at this point they reveal the malady as they explain that somehow their words have been changed in translation and do not accurately reflect what they said.

The latest victim of Translationitis is Chelski forward Fernando Torres who is suffering an extended loss of form. The £50million Spanish striker has given an interview in which he criticises his team mates for being 'old' and 'slow' thus explaining his inability to hit the target. Torres has claimed that his words have been mistranslated and he didn't mean what is reported. The only problem is that the interview is translated with these words on Torres' own website. It gets worse because his manager at Chelski is fluent in Spanish and has demanded to see the original transcript.

I don't know why Torres has risked incurring the wrath of colleagues and employers. It is perfectly clear that Torres' loss in form has coincided with his decision to cut his hair and stop colouring it yellow. This is a high price to pay to avoid being mistaken for the ubiquitous football pundit and Strictly Come Dancing stooge Robbie Savage.


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

Pundits: World Cup 2010 (8)

I’ve lost count of how many people the BBC and ITV are employing as pundits out in South Africa for the World Cup, however, I’ve noticed an interesting phenomenon. The wisdom and insight offered about the World Cup is in inverse proportion to the numbers commenting and commentating on it. And so yesterday we had these stunning observation from Lee Dixon, formerly of Arsenal and England: ‘To win the world cup you have to have a good team’ and ‘Germany didn't start the competition great’ (they won 4-0!).

Commentators never let ignorance get in the way of opening their gobs and sharing their stupidity. During Germany’s destruction of Argentina on Saturday (at least England scored two against the Teutonic maestros) the camera focused on an attractive women in  the VIP section of the crowd. The BBC commentator opined: 'I'm not sure who she is, but I'd guess she's a WAG'. I am sure the Oscar winning actress Charlize Theron would be delighted to hear herself described as a footballer’s latest squeeze. Charlize is South African and helped with the World Cup draw in December. Ms Theron has a sense of humour because at the trial run through she announced Ireland in the draw, a not so subtle reference to the tragedy of Ireland being knocked out by the hand ball cheating France.

Many of the pundits rubbished the European teams in the competition on the basis of the early matches. The siren voices pronounced that we could have all South American semi finalists and went on to explain how these teams shamed European football with their skill and tactics. Now it is true that certain European teams were rubbish; England, France and Italy sought to outdo each other in the crapness stakes. What these teams have in common is aging squads packed with overpaid and technically challenged players. But now the quarter finals are completed it turns out that three of the four teams left are… European; Germany, Spain and the Netherlands (yes ITV it is the Netherlands not Holland as you insist on calling them). Suddenly the same pundits who rubbished Europe are telling us that they always knew Brazil and Argentina had dodgy defences and would struggle when faced with real opposition.

Who do we turn to for in depth analysis and reflection on who will lift the FIFA World Cup Trophy? Should we rely on some ex international footballer lacking the guts or the gifts to take on management of a team? Should we turn to an ex England manager who seems very good at seeing all the things he was blind to when running the nation’s team (yes Graham Taylor I mean you)? Should we turn to some back page tabloid hack who never kicked a ball except in some pro-celebrity charity shindig? No, there is only one fount of wisdom we can really trust.

Paul the Oberhausen Aquarium Octopus has predicted Germany’s results throughout the competition with unerring accuracy. His tentacles reach out to indicate the outcome of each match and he is even sensitive to the ambiguities of some results. Paul indicated Uruguay to beat Ghana last week, but was clearly tentative about the result; no doubt uneasy about the manner in which the cheating Uruguayan defender Suarez would take over Maradona’s mantle as the new ‘Hand of God’.

So bring on the World Cup semis and final; I’m off to gaze into my pond for informed commentary and forensic analysis.