At no expense I have managed to acquire the production notes and running order for today's Today programme on Radio 4.
6.00am News headlines: UKIP triumphant; everyone else pants.
6.10am Interview by Evan with the victorious Nigel Farage.
6:20am Education: Will national curriculum changes reflect UKIP's domination of politics.
6:25am Sport: Have UKIP snookered their opponents?
6:35am Immigration. Theresa May and Yvette Cooper say 'we agree with Nigel'.
6:45am Finance: Robert Peston speaks to UKIP's economic's spokesperson - Nigel Farage.
6:55am Weather: The sun is shinning out of Nigel Farage's...
7:00am News headlines: UKIP this, UKIP that...
7:10am Should Nadine Dorries defect to UKIP
7:20am Will David Cameron call an EU referendum now?
7:25am Sport: Gary Richardson on Nigel's runners and riders for Aintree.
7:35am Whatever happened to the Green Party?
7:45am Nick Robinson on why no one voted for anyone except UKIP
7:50am TFTD: The European Union is the beast of Revelation
8:00am News headlines: Bombing in Syria, Iraq & Afghanistan - the UKIP foreign affairs spokesperson Nigel Farage gives his reaction.
8:20am Evan interviews UKIP's glorious leader Nigel Farage again in case you missed it earlier.
8:30am Sport: Is it time for UK football clubs to withdraw from Europe? UKIP's sports' spokesperson Nigel Farage shares his thoughts.
8:40am Toynbee, Delingpole and Brandreth analyse the UKIP manifesto - when we can find the fag packet it was scribbled on.
8:50am Culture: Will Spielberg follow up Lincoln with Farage?
8:55am Nick Robinson on how UKIP have rewritten political history.
If you think this is a spoof have a listen to this morning's broadcast.
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